HOUSE OF KB

I have always wanted to write. I have, actually, for years. But I don't think the adolescent ramblings of a tween or the documentation tendencies of a young adult count. I've recently reread them. So I can tell you, they don't. Now I need a place to be free. Unfettered. As I figure out this new space and place in my life. Newly single mom. Business owner. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Friend. But no longer wife. Grab a cup, sit on the comfy couch and chat with me.

What do you do?

We call it Corona Confidence.

Living in the gray.

Blech.

When you have upheaval in your life to the extent that I had, it makes you second guess everything. It calls into question your ability to judge character. It impacts your ability to trust. Everyone. Even those who have been nothing but supportive and present and constant. The super, super crappy question I have been wrestling with this week is - did he ever really love me? Because how in the world can you hurt so deeply someone you profess to love? How can you knowingly dest

Survival of the Fattest.

I say that I survived the last year through grit and one shallow breath at a time. But the truth is, I survived on this - Biscoff Cookie Butter*. I think I ate only cookie butter for months. It was my best friend, my confidant, my co-conspirator and my judgment-free companion. That and a spoon. It's a miracle I am not rolling down the street nekked having outgrown all my clothes. For months, if I had a feeling, I ate it. Along with a nice dollop of cookie butter. (Figures th

Hold it. Hold it. Hooold it.

It's hard to manage these emotions right now. I don't even think I had a chance to FEEL until he was out of the house. Don't get me wrong, I cried. The day I first found out? Two friends came over after I sent a screenshot. You lot know how I love a screenshot. They actually help me remember that I am not crazy. One handled the boys downstairs and the other stayed upstairs with the girls and fed me doughnuts. I cried. The ugly cry. The second day I found out? Another friend c

You bet I did.

After it was decided, "it" being the divorce, I kept finding things out. I wasn't sleuthing, trust me, I was done looking for trouble. (Incidentally, I found out that I am a pretty fierce PI. Once my gut told me, I Carmen SanDiego'd the ish out of the affair. So if you ever need help...) But little pieces of information kept presenting themselves to me. Timelines and receipts and lies that just weren't adding up. I guess it was to be expected. Whether he thought he was a good

And the rest, they say, is history.

I am not talking about shortchanging a story. I am talking about rest. Literally sleep. I miss sleep. I am weary. I am tuckered out. I am depleted. I am a badass for doing this solo, sure. I am also a tired ass. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. Think that what I am saying is worth sharing? Please do. It'll help a girl out!

Hell yeah, I am.

They were not kidding when they say money can take down a marriage. It was not the thing that imploded mine but it was certainly a contributing factor. For years. And I mean years. Like, I was just pregnant with Bogen years. This inability to discuss money resulted in some weird, and patently untrue, thoughts about my ability to make, manage, save and spend money. I was a girl who would balance my checkbook to the penny and if I was in the red, I was literally in the red. You

I'd like to thank...

GooglePhotos and cellphone technology for the storing and taking of screenshots. Screenshots. The most useful tool for divorce since an email trail and photos from a PI. I feel like I should write someone a thank you card. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. Think that what I am saying is worth sharing? Please do. It'll help a girl out!

Check.

That goes without saying. This has been in my Downloads folder for ages. I had never gotten around to printing it up. That recently changed and it now hangs in our kitchen. See those four hearts? Yeah. Sometimes the Universe provides you hints for years. Little bread crumbs. Hoping you'll follow the path. Then if you don't, it just bitchslaps you a bunch of times until you get it. I always had thought we would be a family of four. But then I had always thought I was meant to

Kindness.

I've been getting a lot of it lately. It's hard to accept it. But I'm trying. And I'm very, very thankful. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. Think that what I am saying is worth sharing? Please do. It'll help a girl out!

Well trained??

The bodies of my boys are triggered once they hear me get into the tub. It triggers them...to poop. So, I'm in the tub trying to relax while they are on the toilet and, sometimes, even narrating their pooping. Then I get to wipe their bums from my relaxing position in the tub while they tell me to make sure my hands are dry. A mother's love. I don't want to point fingers. But this was not in one baby book that I read. Not one. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

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