Challenge Accepted - Sort of?

People don't really talk about the challenge in learning to co-parent with someone you are still healing from. The triggers that exist in mundane texts and the feelings of trauma that come up from words as much as contact.

It's been a surprise. The ties that still exist. The hold that can still take my breath sometimes. The way I put off conversations because I dread the way my body will react to the sending and receiving not just of the texts but how my words are received and the reaction I will get.

I know the power of words. I know how they can cut deep. I know the multitude of meanings that can exist within one thread. I can't ignore the wasband. But I can also no longer ignore the way my body responds. The response is familiar. But it's been a surprise. Because it points to treatment, behavior and trauma I experienced. Experiences I didn't categorize as such but can no longer be ignored. Plus, hindsight is 20-20.

I've started with a new therapist. I've been doing toxic and trauma long enough to know the other person can't, won't, doesn't change. It's not my job to make that happen either. I need to change. I need to work out the triggers and call in the safe spaces and healing. I'm excited. I'm terrified.

But healing makes me a better person. A better communicator. A better parent. Still though, I didn't know how hard it would be. I couldn't have imagined.