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Free write/Brain dump/Let's see where this goes

I speak like a friend to my heart. The tender part of me quaking. Uncertain and injured. Not in the way of the first, second or third event. But in a new way. There the scales come out. Balance is sought and calculated. Worth debated. She knows she's worthy but wonders. Choosing wrong will do that.

That last bout fundamentally changed that certainty. That ever-present faith that she was, is and always will be worthy. Shakes the knowing that his actions say far more about his worth than hers. But that's logic. That's impartiality. The soul and heart feel it differently. Triggering shields and protections not used since the last person to use/abuse/misuse. They weren't gone. Simply dormant. I guess I should be thankful. These resources were tantamount for survival then. In adulthood and marriage and motherhood, they hope was that they would be laid to rest. Both for lack of needed and being so tired.

It takes her breath away. Not the knowledge that the love is gone. No, the hyperaware person and partner in her saw in long before he did. But that it was so freely given away. Expended elsewhere so that not even remnants remained for those left behind. That it could be offered so quickly, so desperately, as though there weren't entanglements to consider. She is raw. Fissures of pain, loss, mourning, betrayal and rage not yet filled with the golden glow of light and lovey and healing. It will come. Of this she is sure. She just doesn't know when.

She baptizes these rents with salt water. With truth and time. Not work for the faint hearted or weary and she is oh so weary. For a time now, her voice has been gone. Her tried and true way of healing. This absence out of exhaustion and awareness. But the silence, inability and caution is doing more harm than good. Until tonight.

Tonight the beating of that wounded heart called the words forth. The heart saying - it is time . Her mind answering - yes, I have been waiting. That first drop of faith, hope and love. Of sofía (wisdom) shining into the darkness, showing the healing where to begin.

Free write 2/19/21

Stand by it Today/tomorrow/always


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