Some months ago I was helping a sister-friend navigate the emotions and metamorphosis of her divorce. Honestly having no idea I would be following a similar path some months later. She was talking about who she was when she was with her husband and embodying the role of wife. As compared to who she was/is now since the marriage has ended. It occurred to me that she didn't change so much as return to her fundamental self. The truest part of her that she didn't lose while she was married and making life easier for her partner.
I think that there are parts of us that are embedded. Unchanging. Unflinching. They may be quieted for a reason now and then. They may even be forgotten. Certainly if they are not appreciated or understood. But they never truly leave. These traits are who you are fundamentally.
I have been reminding myself of this as of late. As well as my many dear and honest friends who have held me up when I could not do it myself. When it seemed like who I am was directly opposed to healing and growth and separation. That's the thing about fundamental you, though, you can't change it. You have to slog through the shit knowing that your fundamental you is quietly guiding and anxiously waiting on the far shore. The far, far, far, too damn far shore.
My fundamental me? I take risks. I live boldly in color. I care. Not in the - that's so sad way. But in the - let me feed you, get you a bandaid, listen to your troubles way. I have faith - in the Universe, and a God and people. I love. Gosh, do I love. Fiercely and foolishly and without checks and balances. As my friend Sara says it's probably what gets me hurt more often than I deserve but also brings me my greatest riches. I can be anxious and needy. I mean, the fundamental you is not all roses and puppy dogs. There are thorns and piddle pads, too.
But when the winds whirl all around me and my edges are blurred, the fundamental me remains. Always. In the eye of the storm and the stillness of my most quiet self. Waiting. Because that's the thing about fundamental you, it is never gone. It's who you are and it just waits to be allowed to show you again.
I wonder if you've thought about this. If there are traits that are just YOU. That ebb and flow but never truly go. The things that people will say about you once you are gone. Which, thinking about it in that way, sarcasm is totally a fundamental trait of mine. It's called balance.