When what now becomes what next.
He we are. 2 and a half months adding on finding a new family normal to trying to find a new life/world normal. First thing? Bedrooms have been drastically altered. After the first affair and separation, I got a new bed and rearranged our room. I need it to look as different as I needed it to feel. This time? Well, the room isn't that big and I thought a new start would be better than a new look. So the boys and I switched. To be honest, it is a better fit. The layout of their new room worked better for the boys. Plus, it has two closets and now I needed only one. The boys are thrilled. They wanted to paint it but I just didn't have time for that ish. So I told them it was Captain America blue and they were sold. This isn't my second or even third rodeo. They're happy in their new place. And frankly I am very happy in mine. You can read about that here https://www.thecandidly.com/2019/i-tried-feng-shui-and-it-made-me-sleep-better. Yah, I linked to an article I wrote. Feeling badass like that.
But we're all still here. ALL of us. In the house. Living together with no end in sight. He is in the basement. Again. Surrounded by my Poshmark closet and gaming systems and the remnants of my office. I had called him the cave troll but a)that's not nice and b)don't speak that shit into being. So I stopped. And I can't call him Wasband because, hi, still married and still living together. We sell it to the kids as some parents needing separate bedrooms for sleep. Both laughable and dishonest but why confuse the shit out of them and create more panic in the midst of the 'Rona. It is hard and it is confusing and it exhausts me. But it is what is now. This is not the divorce experience I had in my young adulthood. Jear Desus, my parents would still never be in the same room if that were possible. This has made weddings, birthdays, holidays, etc. extremely challenging on multiple levels and not an experience I want to recreate for my kids. I promised myself and the Wasband (I don't know a better nickname yet) that I would never do that. I would never put our shit on our kids. I also did not expect to have to prove it. Yet here we are. Again.
So, what is next? Well, if the world could stop burning so we could breathe and figure that out, that would be great. But that doesn't seem likely. Are we to be here, together, for the duration? Lord, no. For the interim? So it would seem. I am working. Three jobs to be exact. In the stolen moments between being a stay at home mom now responsible for assisting Remote Learning three days a week. This brutal schedule and financial compensation worth it to allow for the financial health and reality of two households. I have spoken with a lawyer. That's a $6,000 retainer at the family and friends rate, for which I am thankful. Also, holy shit. Emotionally? I am moving forward at the same time that I am stuck in the same fucking place. Literally. We are in a pandemic, you lot, and are still staying at home for the most part. So we make home as palatable and normal and warm as possible. We may have not being able to hack it as husband and wife but, thus far, we don't entirely suck at this.
Eventually, there will be two households and a divorce. There will be closure and healing. There will be space and the time and energy to let go. For now? There is actually very little that has changed since I discovered this second affair. So much of how we live now was already happening then. Maybe that's why I caught it so quickly this time. Instead of sleeping on the couch because he preferred it, he has a corner in the basement. Instead of turning myself inside out, I have returned to myself. Instead of trying to fix a marriage, I am trying to cultivate a friendship and coparenting relationship. I also bite my tongue a lot and try not to lose my shit out of anger and resentment. Lesson learned from the first time. Those outbursts don't help and I don't believe that answers given. So I don't yell and I don't ask. I am leaning on my friends. A lot. I am looking forward to the day when this chapter can truly close and we can move on to the happiness that we both deserve. I don't know when that will be. For now? He sleeps in the basement and the kids see him most days and it really isn't all that different than the months before July 12th. I don't know what is next. Nobody does. I only know now and now could be worse.