Single Mom To-Do List

I saw a TikTok the other day and the young mother was crying. Frustrated that she was a single parent in her marriage. That while her husband worked, and worked hard, at his job, all the rest of it fell to her. She was exhausted, frustrated and fed up. She was only three years in.

I've been there. I was her. Just more years in before the reality hit. I remember one time us having a discussion and the wasband saying he would rather be home with the kids. It was easier. He quickly backtracked. Not because I believe he realized it wasn't easier. No. He backtracked because he didn't want to do the work. I have long said that his work ethic, pride and attention was solely dedicated to his profession. I stand by that. He didn't want to switch, he just wanted to minimize the work I was doing and intentionally hurting my pride and accomplishment in the job that I love(d) most. It's his favorite point of attack - my mothering. It used to really bother me. But I have come to accept two things: I don't listen to criticism from people I would not seek/take advice from and you have to do the job before you decide someone else is falling short. Liberating.

I've had to adjust expectations, establish and enforce boundaries and shift my own behavior. Things I have recently removed from my single mom to-do list:

Managing the feelings of my kids by defending the wasband. I acknowledge, I listen, I comfort and I move on.

Offering advice and facts to the wasband in the hopes that things will change for the kids. I've done it for the last time. I move on.

Taking on even more care tasks for the purpose of consistency and ease. I'm looking for ease in my life. I stay in my lane and I move on.

I don't wife. I'm not responsible for providing school info, important dates, upcoming events, etc. Care providers, best friends, favorite games and colors are not a mystery. Nor is a Get to Know Your Kid pamphlet a thing. I move on.

I don't apologize. I don't open my home. I don't give unwanted or undeserved access. I am strong and I move on.

I have listened to my youngest talk about the upcoming wedding for two years now. The grace of this a testament to my character and the love she gets here. She loves love and that she is enamored of this is no surprise. That she wants to come home immediately after the event is no surprise either. But I will be away. On the family trip in its sixth year of tradition. They'll come along again next year. I move on.

I spent so long managing and soothing and paving the way for healthy, whole relationships between kids and the wasband. I did that while in a marriage alone, parenting alone. I did it for too long during the separation and even longer during this second, and final, reckoning. But I've taking it off my to-do list. I won't fill in the gaps, make excuses, offer a defense or attempt to teach parenting decades in. I've adjusted my expectations which has allowed a lot of the anger and hurt and sadness to fall away. There is an acknowledgement of who the wasband is and general...indifference. It has freed up so much space. In my heart, head and soul. We're learning to cook and DIY together. We're reading and doing forced fun after dinner and creating memories in a color-filled, love hub of a home. This is the life I wanted. I move on.

In talking to their principal, he said to me - you have raised/are raising three exceptional kids, why wouldn't I want you in a classroom? It was humbling to hear. That people see the work, how we show up as a family, how we move through the world. It was a beautiful and unexpected period to my recent growth and editing of responsibilties. My single mom to-do list has undergone a drastic revision. It's forty-eight hours every other weekend. They'll be fine. They're like their momma and we can do anything for forty-eight hours. 47. 46. 45...1. Re-entry and we move on.