I needed this reminder. As much as I needed to remember to stay in my lane. Nobody can do this work for me. Nobody's opinion about this work matters more to me than the four humans I share my home with.
This is an interesting season. Once more one of growing pains and reflection and shedding. Shedding labels, expectations, norms, shoulds, pretty much everything. Except pounds. Why are those so persistent?!?!? Emmer effer. Let it gooooo!
My brain is a busy place. I have been called a whirling dervish for most of my life. Not one physically. But mentally. My brain is always running 1000 miles a minute in a hundred directions. Lately this brain has been riding the anxiety train more than usual. Toot toot! I have social anxiety. Maybe you didn't know. But I do. And I am a teacher, a mother, a stylist for Stella & Dot, a social person. A person who leaves the house. Where there are people. So, you know, that's a challenge.
I am awesome in the moment. New crowds, speeches to large rooms, teaching classes small or large, styling a group of strangers, coaching a new client, trying something new. I look good. Calm, collected, at ease. And I am. 100%. Then I leave the stage, walk out of the room, close the computer and it begins. Sweats, nausea, second guessing. Replaying everything I said. Checking off the successes. Highlighting and focusing on the missteps. This exacerbates them. I am aware of this. Thank you. I know it doesn't help. 1 star out of 5. Would not recommend. I know this and sometimes I can stop it. Sometimes I can't.
Replay the interaction. What I could and should have said.
Replay the speech. Where I made mistakes. How it could have been better.
Rewrite the letter, email, post. Clearer, with more efficiency.
Revisit texts. If I text you and you don't text back? Once I reassure myself that you are not bleeding from the head on the side of the road...I blame myself. I have done something or said something. I have not done something I should have. I have missed something - a birthday, a hard family time, any event that would make a friend check-in. This is not being self-absorbed. It is how my brain likes to torment me on the daily. Maybe I have upset you. Maybe you are just busy. My brain knows both options. It focuses on one.
Couple that with my long-standing motto of not chasing. Since middle school. That was a hard and shitty lesson. Important but one I wouldn't want to relive. So, yeah, lesson learned. Sometimes I forget. But I eventually remember. I don't. I don't want to chase friends or grades or promotions or money or boys. I don't even really want to chase my dog. The Universe has always given me what and who I need when I need it/them. So balancing my anxiety with my desire to not beg to be loved, lauded, etc and the confidence that what will be will be is...hard. To say the least. I am a walking conundrum. Hence the whirling.
I have to remember, I am bigger than whatever story my brain is telling me. My children and home thrived under a super shitty situation. When my heart was breaking and each breath hurt. My children are still thriving. In a situation where my heart is open. As I work on forgiveness and trust and hope. For myself and my husband. And I am bigger than whatever is making me anxious. I always have been. I always will be. I just need to remember. Maybe you do, too.