Hold it. Hold it. Hooold it.
It's hard to manage these emotions right now. I don't even think I had a chance to FEEL until he was out of the house. Don't get me wrong, I cried. The day I first found out? Two friends came over after I sent a screenshot. You lot know how I love a screenshot. They actually help me remember that I am not crazy. One handled the boys downstairs and the other stayed upstairs with the girls and fed me doughnuts. I cried. The ugly cry.
The second day I found out? Another friend came over and stayed upstairs with me while I took the ugly cry to the next level. Even though this was round 2, I think I was still in shock more than anything. That it was happening. That the marriage was over. That this was going to be my life now. I actually don't remember that day much at all. I guess I should maybe ask my friend. She is amazing at holding space and remembering those emotional details.
I think part of not feeling is because of the little ones. Not in a way that I am blaming them. But in the way that I need(ed) to keep my shit together to keep the family moving. I didn't lie about what I was feeling. They saw me crying. I would say I was sad. I would also make it very clear that it was not their job to make me happy. That was my job. But it was also important to show them that it was ok to be sad and to cry. Feel it. Acknowledge it. Let it stay or go as needed.
But because they are always around, I have short bursts of intense feelings that are over quickly. I don't wallow or lose it. At all. Even when I want to because the munchkins are always watching. In my weekly counseling sessions? Just when I get into the muck Parley cries or coos and I am right back to mom. I know I need to work on that. I know that there will come a time when the damn breaks and I can't hold it any more. I hope the kids are at his place when that happens. For us all.
Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. Think that what I am saying is worth sharing? Please do. It'll help a girl out!